There seems to be an old-fashioned ‘dictator pissing contest’ brewing between U.S. President Barack Obama and North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. The U.S. claims North Korea launched an all-out cyber attack on Sony Pictures because of Sony’s new movie “The Interview,” a comedy which depicts Americans assassinating Kim.
Sony Pictures initially called off the release citing threats of terror attacks against U.S. movie theaters. Obama criticized Sony’s decision saying “it was a mistake,” insisting they “should have contacted me first,” and Sony has since re-released the movie to independent theaters (who racked up more than $1 million bucks on Christmas day).
At the time of his remarks Obama insinuated the U.S. would respond to North Korea’s playground-bully-tactics at a time and place of “our choosing.” Within just a few hours North Korean internet service started to ‘snap, crackle and pop,’ culminating in no Xbox time for Kim Jong Un for a few days, which has really pissed him off. The North accused the U.S. of being behind the outage but the U.S. government has declined to say if it was behind the shutdown.
So Lil’ Kim, a term of ironic endearment considering his proportions, is back to hurling insults. On Saturday North Korea’s National Defense Commission, led by Kim, said that Obama was behind the release of the movie – and it’s probably true. After all, Sony wasn’t budging until Obama said they made a mistake. It’s pretty easy to make that assumption, all things considered, especially if you’re an overweight 30-year-old dictator who spends his nights woofing down hot pockets and blowing stuff up on XBox.
The commission’s Policy Department said in a statement carried by the official Korean Central News Agency that “Obama always goes reckless in words and deeds like a monkey in a tropical forest,” which makes little to no sense considering monkeys tend to fair well in forest settings. Rather than make sense it seems to be just another poorly orchestrated attempt at name calling which reflects poorly on Kim – because if he’d crack a paper open once in a while and get off the Xbox – he’d actually learn of quite a few legitimate political issues he could gig Obama on – without having to resort to childish antics.
It’s nothing new, however. In May North Korea referred to Obama as a “wicked black monkey.” The North has also called Obama a “clown,” a “dirty fellow,” implied he “does not even have the basic appearances of a human being,” speculated “He is a crossbreed with unclear blood,” claimed Obama “still has the figure of monkey while the human race has evolved through millions of years,” and “It would be perfect for Obama to live with a group of monkeys in the world’s largest African natural zoo and lick the bread crumbs thrown by spectators.”
They called Secretary of State John Kerry a wolf with a “hideous lantern jaw,” and slammed South Korean President Park Geun-hye – calling her a prostitute.
A word of caution to Lil’ Kim: ‘if you don’t want Al Sharpton and Jessie Jackson showing up in your hood you should really think about canning the monkey references. I’m not a big fan either – but bad guys like you are supposed to show a little class – you know, like the bad guys in James Bond movies? Name calling’ is kinda low-pro. Also, If you really want to get even with Sony and/or the President for undermining your “iron fist” rule and making you look like a bigger tool than we already suspected you were – just make your own damn movie about Obama! Get Putin in on it and it will be a riot.’
I’m sure Obama would respond to such a proposition about as warmly as Kim Jong Un did and the entire event would end with a few North Korean ICBM’s heading toward the U.S. West Coast. Thank goodness Obama has spent so much on those antiquated missile defense systems rusting away out in the pacific.